Saturday, July 30, 2016

Letting your Kids Fail Short term leads to lifelong success.. (aka Realities of Life)

I say this in my psychotherapy practice and in my court mandated and non court mandated parenting classes.
Let your children have the natural consequences of their actions.
They do not finish their homework (emphasis on THEIR), then the teacher will discipline them.
They don't take care of household chores then they do not go out.

If we rescue our children (many reasons which we can go over at another time) then they never learn to handle the anxiety and normal life stress that is involved in achieving their own goals and doing the right thing.. They never get to have a real sense of SELF accomplishment.

It is easy to help our children succeed short term, but our personal challenge as parents is to allow (it does not feel good for us) our children to fail short term so they can succeed in the long term and in the real world as adults.

The pain, real parenting causes in us, many times is the reason we rescue our children, it is too hard to see them struggle. But life is full of struggles. It is our job as parents to prepare them for the real world.

below is a short CNN video that you may find helpful.
CNN video on letting your children fail

If this is a struggle or you would like to start off the school year with a fresh perspective, please feel free to contact me: Kendall Wagner, MFT 1760-434-9694
Email or visit our website Carlsbad Counseling Center

Friday, July 15, 2016

Troubled Teens, Take Action, Turn things around: Kendall Wager, MFT

I wanted to share this clip from the Dr. Phil show, here he is discussing having the courage to identify and take action with a troubled teen.  I wrote a little while ago about Parental PTSD and having a troubled teen is one of the factors. To have the courage to seek help and do what it takes to turn a teens life around, can mean facing your own mistakes and blemishes. I am always impressed and encouraged when I see parents in my office willing to expose their own blemishes or family history for the sake of helping their children. This is not about blaming the parents, there are so many factors to draw the teens off course, no matter how well adjusted or not the home life is.
At Carlsbad Counseling Center, we have a group of therapists that can work with your teen and or your whole family. Please look at our bio's and see which therapist would be the best fit for you. We are able to work with others in the community and create a treatment team approach. Our goal is to readjust and get back on track, so with the start of the new school year ... It is a fresh start for all.

If you would like to speak to me directly about your teen or any other family concern please contact me directly at: or call the center at 760-434-9694.

Kendall Wagner, M.A. MFT
Clinical Director: Carlsbad Counseling Center

Please watch this short clip from the Dr. Phil Show.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Fireproofing Your Marriage: by Lindsay Holt, MS , MFTI

Summer time for many people means time off work, sitting in the sun and spending time with family and friends….It also means fire season is in full swing: spouses gone between 4 and 21 days at a time, exhausted when arriving home, disconnectedness in the family, and the tendency to be emotionally flat and guarded when they get home. If anyone is married to a firefighter, they can understand this.

It is important for the person who is at home to be flexible, understanding and accepting that this is the life. With that, the person who is at home needs to be comfortable with being alone a good portion of the time.  This is not easy.

I want to share this quote originally from Dave Grossman and Loren Christensen’s (2008) study

“It is especially important for spouses to be aware of the effect that occurs after the adrenaline wears off; this leaves firefighters completely exhausted. At work, they are alive, alert, energetic, and involved. When they come home, the after-effects may set in, and they may be tired, detached, isolated, and apathetic. The greater the demand at work, the greater the possible backlash at home, debilitating them for family involvement, which, if misunderstood, may be destructive to intimate relationships.”

Though challenging it is possible to have a happy, loving, and fulfilling relationship with your spouse and take advantage of the alone time to do what you want to do. Or not do… i.e not shower for a few days, don’t clean the house until the day before they get home, eat ice cream for dinner and watch several episodes of a show the person would not like….

If you or your spouse are struggling with the challenges this profession brings: communication concerns, depression, anxiety, loneliness feel free to give me a call at Carlsbad Counseling Center to schedule an intake appointment so that I can assist you to build a stronger more satisfying relationship.

Lindsay Holt, MS, MFTI #87735
(760) 434-9694 or (760) 814-1176